| You Know Who You Are. |
[Thursday
August 28th, 2008 at 6:05pm] |
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I've come to see why one might think I am a loser, and I'm incredibly disappointed in myself for not seeing it before, when in fact, it was such a clear cut case. It hurts me, and brings tears to my eyes that I was once so blind to the obvious nature. Why god? Oh why didn't you show me beforehand how much of a creepy stalker I am? Oh god, why didn't you show me how much of a loser I am? I am such a loser, that I am being forced as we speak to write out the list of reasons why this is so.
I can't fucking believe that I'm a straight "A" college student, taking a full-time load of courses, this is obviously only something a godforsaken loser would do, why am I letting myself continue this? It's pointless. Only losers who never become anyone go to college. Oh. Lord, the tears, they won't stop!!!
I can't believe that I'm a full-time employee in good standing with my boss and company. No body ever gets in to fights because of me. Ouch, I mean, I've never flown off the handle and gotten someone fired for the simple fact that I don't like them. I can't even believe my credibility! I only quit one job without a two weeks notice, I really need to try harder. That's my problem. I need to make it four, or possibly even five, because one just will not, cannot do!
If you can believe this, I act my age, and drink with my friends, most of the time, I don't even get drunk! And I don't look down on those who choose not to follow my path!!! I know, it's hard to bear, and I can see the eyes of all rolling, because, what is my life if I have never spent at least six nights of the week, whilst unemployed, drinking to my hearts content? What kind of life am I living? DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
I'm not married, I have no children, and I'm okay with this? What??? Instead of rushing head first into a future life of stay-at-home momage, I'm carefully taking the time to plan out my future with the person I love. Holy shit we're working together on how to make our relationship last a lifetime instead of completely throwing caution to the wind. I can't believe myself, I can't even believe us, we both must be losers, honestly.
I'm not retarded enough to have my head so far up my ass that I think the simple fact that an old friend clicks on to a journal, or myspace, to see how the other person is doing, is stalking. How could it be stalking when the accuser is probably committing the same crime?
I'm sorry for having ever cared about a bitch like you.
I know this doesn't mean anything to you.
Next time, take it off the internet, and from behind my back.
You've got something to say? Say it to my goddamn face.
You're the loser.
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[Monday
May 28th, 2007 at 12:03am] |
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I had a really emo journal entry planned out. All about whether or not anyone's life would be worse without me in it, and how there's moments that I wish I could relive, just to feel that way again, the moment when someone made me feel beautiful, or take something back. While I can't relive anything, and no matter what, I have no regrets for anything I've done, I only regret not doing, but there's nothing that I really regret not doing, for the same reason that I don't regret doing something. I wondered if I was a good person or not. But, I've realized, and I'll explain how later, that I am. I've made mistakes. I've hurt people. I've said things that didn't need to be said. But I've also done so much good, made people's days better, their words not mine, and sometimes, on occasion said the right thing.
I'm good at what I do, which is living, and a coworker of mine showed me that when he drove me home tonight. I didn't feel like driving because I was really run down, physically, emotionally, everything, so my mom took me to work, he took me home. The first thing he said when we got into his car was "No making fun of me, that is not allowed." And then the radio started playing NSync, which was totally bad ass. Between Everything I Own, I Drive Myself Crazy, and I Want You Back, everything I was feeling melted away, and him repeating Lance's part in Everything I Own in a stereotypical gay man's voice was, for whatever reason, hilarious. And I had so much fun in those ten minutes that it took for us to get to my place, that I just, forgot to care about anything bothering me. He also told me something that he'd told me once before while he was driving me home on another occasion, and on a completely different situation, that the best people in the world, will wonder if their actions were right or wrong, because of the fact that they may hurt others, but in the end, they probably did what was right for them. I don't know how much sense that makes, but it made me feel better about a lot of things.
I went shopping today for a birthday present for my mom. She's been wanting this pair of heart shaped earrings from Mervyn's for a long time, but refused to let me buy them frivilously for her when they're forty bucks. I looked for a "knock off" pair at target and walmart and couldn't find them. So I went to mervyns today and looked and looked, and found the same pair of earrings with a matching necklace, my mom likes matching jewelery, for $150. And I ended up getting it for $40 after everything was said and done. Thank god for hidden discounts. Tamee and Ashley both told me that my mom would be mad either way, if I had bought them or if I hadn't, because mom's use weird reverse psychology.
I also bought a wedding present for Mandi, and while I would love to divulge that, I can't because she might see it. Needless to say, that is one thing on my checklist of shit to do before I go to Texas, I have also charged my ipod, and am patiently waiting for my cell phone to die so that I can charge it long enough to be able to use during my layover in Dallas.
I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately that I haven't really told anybody about. Not because I don't believe they'd care, but because, I am so sick of being told to suck it up. Sometimes it gets to be to much to bare. I've been sad a lot lately, and I try to hide that by acting much happier than I really am. I'm confused about a lot things right now, like where I'm going with my life, and sometimes I wonder how much it matters if I do anything. Am I really better than working fast food the rest of my life? Do I deserve more? How important is finishing college? What good will that do me other than a degree, will it give me any direction? And for some reason, the fact that I've lost maybe twenty pounds in the past month has made me feel less attractive than I was. Maybe my mom is right and I am hiding behind my weight, but does that affect the fact that I'm feeling ugly all the time?
A huge part of me thinks that California has it in for me, and that once I get out, out I should stay. While I know that is not feasible, I still really want to. I want to live somewhere else, I want to cut ties and get lost, go somewhere where people don't know me, and don't care about who I am. I'm a free spirit but a home body.
My back hurts for hauling ass at work, and I really need to do laundry so I can pack, but I'm tired. And I don't work tomorrow, so all of my rushing around can be done then. And I still need to watch the end of Hey Sues Camp,
What if the Chaos Theory is the answer to all of the Universe's questions?
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[Sunday
February 4th, 2007 at 5:35pm] |
I wasn't going to do this but I have to, you know that I would rather say all of this to your face, but since it's not an option, I'm writing it here.
First, if you think I'm a bad person, why have we stayed friends for so long? If you ever had a problem with me, why hide behind cryptic journals and lame myspace bullitens, why not take it straight to the source and deal with me.
Second, I will not feel sorry for needing one night to be about me and the problems that I was having. Because I really did need it, and it felt great to get everything off of my chest and deal with them with the people who I could trust.
Third, how was I supposed to know what you were going through? You didn't tell me, so I thought that you were just being a bitch what with being okay to go to a club one moment, then hanging up on the calls that Alix and I tried to send to you the next, it was completely unneccesary, and of course I assumed that you had an issue with not wanting to speak to me, I wasn't making it personal, I was making it logical.
Forth, just because you think I'm a bad person does not mean that any others do. Don't act like they talk about me behind my back because I know that if Alix had a problem with me, it would be put up with between me and her, that's what we fucking do, we talk shit out. Don't assume that others share your values.
And finally, I don't really know what else to say, I've handled my side of things, and brought this into a forum that I saw proper because talking it out wouldn't work. That seems to be a non option.
Just promise me one thing, never again claim to be mature, because that wouldn't work, maturity doesn't lie behind myspace and livejournal. I have only chosen to do this because you can't pick up your phone, and have resorted to name calling and attempts at making one feel paranoid. You have really begun to master the art of the pot calling the kettle black, it is you that is the bad person in this situation, not I, for I actually take other people's feelings into consideration before I say or post something. This is just me reaching my breaking point.
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