I had a really emo journal entry planned out. All about whether or not anyone's life would be worse without me in it, and how there's moments that I wish I could relive, just to feel that way again, the moment when someone made me feel beautiful, or take something back. While I can't relive anything, and no matter what, I have no regrets for anything I've done, I only regret not doing, but there's nothing that I really regret not doing, for the same reason that I don't regret doing something. I wondered if I was a good person or not. But, I've realized, and I'll explain how later, that I am. I've made mistakes. I've hurt people. I've said things that didn't need to be said. But I've also done so much good, made people's days better, their words not mine, and sometimes, on occasion said the right thing.
I'm good at what I do, which is living, and a coworker of mine showed me that when he drove me home tonight. I didn't feel like driving because I was really run down, physically, emotionally, everything, so my mom took me to work, he took me home. The first thing he said when we got into his car was "No making fun of me, that is not allowed." And then the radio started playing NSync, which was totally bad ass. Between Everything I Own, I Drive Myself Crazy, and I Want You Back, everything I was feeling melted away, and him repeating Lance's part in Everything I Own in a stereotypical gay man's voice was, for whatever reason, hilarious. And I had so much fun in those ten minutes that it took for us to get to my place, that I just, forgot to care about anything bothering me. He also told me something that he'd told me once before while he was driving me home on another occasion, and on a completely different situation, that the best people in the world, will wonder if their actions were right or wrong, because of the fact that they may hurt others, but in the end, they probably did what was right for them. I don't know how much sense that makes, but it made me feel better about a lot of things.
I went shopping today for a birthday present for my mom. She's been wanting this pair of heart shaped earrings from Mervyn's for a long time, but refused to let me buy them frivilously for her when they're forty bucks. I looked for a "knock off" pair at target and walmart and couldn't find them. So I went to mervyns today and looked and looked, and found the same pair of earrings with a matching necklace, my mom likes matching jewelery, for $150. And I ended up getting it for $40 after everything was said and done. Thank god for hidden discounts. Tamee and Ashley both told me that my mom would be mad either way, if I had bought them or if I hadn't, because mom's use weird reverse psychology.
I also bought a wedding present for Mandi, and while I would love to divulge that, I can't because she might see it. Needless to say, that is one thing on my checklist of shit to do before I go to Texas, I have also charged my ipod, and am patiently waiting for my cell phone to die so that I can charge it long enough to be able to use during my layover in Dallas.
I've been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately that I haven't really told anybody about. Not because I don't believe they'd care, but because, I am so sick of being told to suck it up. Sometimes it gets to be to much to bare. I've been sad a lot lately, and I try to hide that by acting much happier than I really am. I'm confused about a lot things right now, like where I'm going with my life, and sometimes I wonder how much it matters if I do anything. Am I really better than working fast food the rest of my life? Do I deserve more? How important is finishing college? What good will that do me other than a degree, will it give me any direction? And for some reason, the fact that I've lost maybe twenty pounds in the past month has made me feel less attractive than I was. Maybe my mom is right and I am hiding behind my weight, but does that affect the fact that I'm feeling ugly all the time?
A huge part of me thinks that California has it in for me, and that once I get out, out I should stay. While I know that is not feasible, I still really want to. I want to live somewhere else, I want to cut ties and get lost, go somewhere where people don't know me, and don't care about who I am. I'm a free spirit but a home body.
My back hurts for hauling ass at work, and I really need to do laundry so I can pack, but I'm tired. And I don't work tomorrow, so all of my rushing around can be done then. And I still need to watch the end of Hey Sues Camp,
What if the Chaos Theory is the answer to all of the Universe's questions?